Archive for the personal Category

Sweetness from Failure

Posted in personal, thought with tags on May 28, 2009 by inspirexpire
Dreamlike Honeycomb

Dreamlike Honeycomb

A verse from “Last night, as I was sleeping” by Antonio Machado:

“Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt – marvelous error! –
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.”

[full version]

When I first encountered this verse of the poem, I was going through a dramatic and traumatic change to my life and how I experience it. I was on the bus, reading “Radical Acceptance…” and… there was something about the imagery of golden bees and white honeycombs that brought me to tears.

It is pure.
And the thought of having that purity inside you… of creating it out of your failures and misgivings and wasted fear and doubt… it still evokes such a powerful reaction in me, that I really can’t properly describe the visceral feeling that the words create.

I also love the juxtaposition of “marvelous error!” The poet’s delight at the inventiveness of his dream vision, as well as the action described, is palpable and so completely expressed in that one phrase. There is a sense of disbelief, almost of “I can’t believe I never thought of it this way before; it’s so simple!”

It is amazing that a few lines can be such a powerful source of – ongoing – inspiration: Everytime I read this verse, I get something new out of it.

I look forward to the bees continuing their work.

Raison d’etre

Posted in personal with tags on May 24, 2009 by inspirexpire

Inspiration :  Expiration
Inhale : Exhale
To Do : Or Die

I am a Professional Hunter-Gatherer of Information, especially of the inspirational kind.
I have Gigs of visual triggers, dating back to the mid-90s, that I have carried with me across continents and oceans.
Until now, there has been no purpose to this, other than that I am compelled to collect anything and everything that appeals to me or makes me think or makes me squeal with delight.
I’ve tried to quit.
I’ve told myself there’s no point, unless I do something with it all.
I’ve felt shame. Oh, the Shame! And guilt, for wasting time and never producing anything.
But then, a lucky link click lead me to this: “Refuse to Choose”, by Barbara Sher.

And it changed the way I think about myself, completely.

I’ve been holding my breath for so long, I can’t remember when I didn’t feel constantly weak and lacking;
dying a little every time I right-click-save;
judging judging judging myself as I am surrounded by an ever-growing pile of evidence to my failures;
punishing myself by denying access to books and supplies and beautiful things that would fill me with joy.

There is greater detail in the “about”, but in short, I have Permission now.
Permission to collect,
to gather,
to amass
VAST quantities of visual stimuli,
eye candy,
muse juice,
brain porn
and to SHARE it.

And whether I post once a week or 10 times a day, it doesn’t matter.
I will only do what gives me the good feeling.
And whether it is purely for my own reference or changes the life of somebody else, it doesn’t matter.
It is enough to simply be.
And whether it lasts a week or 10 years, it doesn’t matter.
It is finished when I say it is.

This is the sound of me INHALING.

[Created to the sounds of the Transformers score by Steve Jabonsky]